If I Knew
by thesewordsinthisworld
Summary: Post S5 finale. Nick comes home after three months and realizes who is important to him.
1. Chapter 1

I spent three months with Reagan.

Three months of a lot of sex, a lot of TV, and a lot of hours waiting to the loft.

I guess technically we are still together. She told me she would "let me know". When the summer started off, we were frantic, and it felt like love. Then the excitement disappeared. We went from adoring one another to being bored with one another. She sure is beautiful, but there's nothing there for us.

When I opened the door to 4D and rolled in my suitcase I got silence. "Hey, guys, I am back!" I shout.

Nothing. Great.

I go into my room and it smells clean—Schmidt must have cleaned. I sign and lay down on the bed. My phone buzzes, a text from Reagan reading: _call me tomorrow_. I ignore it, I just got home—my real home. I close my eyes and I think about tonight. I'll go out with the boys, with Jess. I haven't seen Jess in three months, haven't talked to her in almost a month. After I left, things got weird between us and I tried not to worry. I knew that Reagan probably wasn't a permanent thing, I knew Jess would come around—whatever it was.

I wondered if she was dating someone. Shit. What if she was? I wonder if she wore her red skirt this summer—it's her favorite. I wonder who took her to Ikea and drank her awful lemonade she made us every summer. I missed them. I missed her.

Three hours later I wake up and Winston is on the phone with someone in the hallway. "Wait, Jess said what? How did you just find out about this? They've been together three months; why didn't she say anything? Look I knew something was up when she stopped making that awful lemonade," Winston was saying.

Jess? Three months? "Winston! What's wrong?" I shout.

Winston turns around and looks at me in shock. "Schmidt, I have to go," Winston says as he hangs up on him.

"Nick! I thought you came back tomorrow," Winston said as she bounded towards me, landed on top of me, hugging me.

I don't even complain. I missed Winston. "Hey buddy, what's going on? Wha—what was that all about?" I ask him.

Winston immediately stands up and looks around the room, avoiding me. "It's just some stuff with Jess, you haven't been here, you wouldn't understand," Winston says, clearly trying to avoid something. "How was your summer?"

"Winston, is Jess, is she okay?" I ask, ignoring his later question.

"Yeah, yeah, hasn't been around much. In and out, in and out," Winston blabs. "And you know lots of guys, in and out, you know, she's good, she's great," Winston mumbles.

"Oh, guys, huh?" I ask, the jealousy poring out of me. Get it together. Jess is a thing of the past.

"No biggie, we are supporting her phase, but you'll see for yourself tonight," Winston adds.

Schmidt and Cece are next to come home from the grocery store and Schmidt tackled me to the ground—kissing me. Schmidt makes it a big deal and promises to make a three course meal to celebrate my arrival.

I settle into the couch with Winston and a beer—things feel almost the same. I look around, wondering where _she_ was. The loft seemed to quiet, even with Cece and Schmidt talking and being gross everywhere. Jess needed to get here.

"So, uh, where's Jess? I haven't seen her all day," I ask, trying to stay nonchalant.

Cece, Winston, and Schmidt take a minute to stare at one another, like they all know something I don't.

Cece clears her throat and sits down next to me. "I am sure she's just out, she will be back soon, I just texted her…see," Cece says as she shows me her text on her phone.

Dinner is long over and we are all on the couch—even Winston's girlfriend is here, making me a fifth wheel. I drink my fourth beer and sigh. I miss Jess and I am even more hurt that she didn't come home to see me.

Just like that, the front door opens—and there she is. She walks in with a smile plastered on her face and wearing the tightest dress I have ever seen her in. I almost don't notice the man she waves off as she closes the door. I stand up and I smile at her goofily.

"Hey, Jess," is all I say. Way to go, Nick.

"Hey, Nick," Jess says in a bright tone. In her voice, and in her walk, I can tell there is something different. Jess would never wear a dress like that or just say "hey" after three months. Jess clears her throat, and looks around. "How was your summer with Reagan? Geez, I am hungry, Schmidt, thanks so much for cooking," Jess says as she kicks off her heals, ignoring me, and walking into the kitchen.

I look to my friends who are avoiding my eyes. Schmidt clears his throat and turns to Jess, taking in her look and sighing. "The flavor of the day didn't want to come in?" Schmidt asks Jess.

Jess, who is currently making herself a plate, rolls her eyes. "It's the summer Schmidt; you cannot judge my lifestyle choices when this is what you did for most of your life. And by the way, I didn't ask him to come in," Jess says.

"Hey, Jess, come hang out, Nick is back. I am sure there is a lot of catching up to do," Winston offers, eternally trying to be the peacekeeper.

Jess looks to me, her eyes boring into mine—and for a second I am scared, I am scared because I know she's hurt. I left my best friend alone for three months. "Look, Jess, I am back, for good…," I start.

"It's okay, you don't have to explain anything. School starts in a next week so I have a lot of work to do. You guys enjoy yourselves," Jess says, her voice uneven. "It's good to see you again, Nick," she adds as she takes off toward her room.

As she walks away, I can not help but notice that the strap of her dress falls as she looks back to me. Her face hiding nothing. I have screwed up, bad.

All evening I ask what is going on with Jess and everyone avoids the subject with me. Jess remains in her room and I go to bed early. I lie in my bed wondering what on earth Jess could've been doing all summer. So what she slept with a few guys? I slept with Reagan. Jess and I broke up a long time ago. It doesn't matter.

But it does.

I miss her so much, all summer I couldn't wait to see her again. It feels like I am still waiting.

I get up and write a note:

 _Jess, I missed you this summer. Sorry I was a big dummy and didn't call you more. Let's hang out tomorrow, like old times._

 _Nick_

Before I can decide otherwise, I slip it under her door and wait.

I end up waiting an entire week.

During that week, Jess has been the master of avoiding me. Since school has started again, it's not that hard. Every time I try to corner her she makes up some awkward excuse like "I have got to go pick up a goldfish" or "Winston is in the bathroom crying" or "gotta go, hot date". She's impossible to talk to and my roommates are not giving anything up. Someone hurt her, bad. Maybe it was what Winston was talking about on the phone. Was Jess with someone? With that guy she shooed away the other day?

Finally, a week after I left Jess the note, I get a reply. When I wake up I run to the paper under my door.

 _I missed you too, Miller._

That's it? It's something, but that's it?

I don't see her all day and I overheard Schmidt tell Cece that Jess had a houseguest over. That night I decide to answer her, if this was the only way she would talk to me, so be it.

 _Can't we talk? You're my best friend Jess._

It takes two days for Jess to answer.

 _There's nothing to talk about anymore. You were gone and I haven't talked to you in a month, haven't really, really talked to you in three months. Why didn't you want to talk then?_

I don't have a good enough excuse but I am determined to make it up to Jess.

Later that day, I am still thinking about what Jess said. I don't know how to react. I miss her. I miss her long hair, her eyes, her smile. I miss the way she makes me mad and the way she lights up a room.

I catch Winston alone in his room and I take it as an opportunity.

"Winston, I need you to tell me what's going on with Jess. She is killing me," I shout as I slam his door.

Winston looks at me and sighs. "Nick, I can't tell you anything, I promised," Winston replies.

"Winston whatever it is, please just tell me, I would do anything to make things right. This is miserable. I should've never even left with Reagan," I rant, throwing my arms up.

"Jess has been hurt. She's been sleeping…around. Not home a whole lot," Winston starts.

Just what I wanted to hear. "Yeah, and?" I urge him.

"SHE'S UPSET, SHE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU, SHE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU. I promised I wouldn't tell. Cece accidently told Schmidt and he accidently told me and I am so awful at lies. I figured you would lay off Jess because of the way you kinda ignored her all summer…way to go by the way…," Winston went on.

Honestly, I heard no words after his first sentence. "What…why didn't…why can't she tell me?" I ask.

"Uh, I don't know maybe because you were infatuated with Reagan. After the wedding man, things were not right with Jess and when you didn't call, things really weren't right," Winston blabs. "So many guys, man," Winston adds.

I have heard enough, hold up my hands and run out the the room. I feel every emotion in a second—but most of all I feel sad. I missed a chance with the only girl I have ever loved.

Our breakup sounded good at the time, but three months later, I found myself really missing Jess. I knew she would never come back to me, so I backed off. I thought that's what she wanted—I had no idea. No idea.

After an afternoon of punching things and screaming at inanimate objects, I text Reagan and break it off—she replies with a " _have a nice life, Nick, seriously"._ Completely unemotional. Reagan and I knew this would happen.

I worry about Jess for the most part. How could I have missed this? I decide to continue with the whole note thing—otherwise she won't even look me in the eye.

 _I am so so so sorry. This summer was dumb. I shouldn't have left, Reagan was a passing thing and I thought I could start over. Now I realize there's no starting over without Winston, Schmidt…you. You can be mad at me, just talk to me._

I slip it under her door and I wait.

I hear Jess come in at 2:38 a.m.

I hear a knock on my door and I practically run to open it. "What the hell, Miller?" Jess asks incredulously. She is wearing that tight dress again and her makeup is all over the place. She's a mess, but she's always beautiful.

I don't answer her and I instead hug her. "I've miss you so much, you know I love you. No matter how dumb I am, you're so so important to me Jess," I whisper to her, I breathe her in.

I lead her to the edge of my bed, where she starts to cry. "Haven't you ever heard of Bros over Hoes Nick? You ditched me right after the wedding. I told you how great you were and you left. I heard from you once in June and July, both times you sent me a selfie of you and Reagan. I can't do this anymore Nick," Jess relents, tears pouring. I was such an asshole.

"I am done with Reagan," I tell her. "I am here now."

"What's it matter, Nick?" Jess says, trying to get away from me.

I look at her eyes—her blue eyes turn green with tears. I've always thought that was adorable. Her hair is a mess and her curls wild. Her mouth turning into a pout. I don't ever want Jess to be sad again. I don't know what takes hold of me but I can't do this anymore. I need her to be okay. "Jess, I knew something was up the second I walked through that door two weeks ago and the second I saw you again I was reminded of how much I love you. Not only in like the oh you're my best friend kind of love but being away made me miss you and realize I love you in a way that kind of makes me crazy. Nothing is working out in any of my other relationships because you're it for me Jess. You're it. I am so sorry for everything that you've felt but if you would've told me that three months ago, I would've taken your hand and left with you just like we did at Cece's first wedding. Winston told me how you felt, and I want you to know you were never a second option to me. I want you, I have always wanted you first, I just didn't think you wanted me," I say, my voice coming undone towards the end.

Jess doesn't respond, but she looks at me with those eyes of her and I can tell my words did something to her. Jess comes undone and suddenly her mouth is on mine. I am holding her, and kissing her and everything is okay. "I love you," I whisper to her.

Jess plays with my hair. "I love you too," she promises.

"Are you at a loss for words, Jessica?" I ask her as I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear.

"It's just I am really tired, it's been a long summer and I have missed you so much. I wasn't expecting that, I am just…happy," Jess says with a sly smile.

I laugh and take her into my arms. We just lay there. Not talking, not having sex, but she's next to me and the rest can be figured out later. It's a comfortable silence that lulls me into sleep, with Jess in my arms.


	2. Chapter 2

When I woke up in the morning, I was dazed and confused. I was in Nick's bed, wearing my uncomfortable clothes from the night before. I turn to Nick who is laying next to me, still asleep, and smile. He's snoring lightly, his hair falls into waves on his forehead, and his skin looks darker—I wonder if Reagan made him go outside this summer for a change. With the thought of Reagan, I am reminded of how much we have to talk. I may have forgiven him, but I don't know where we stand. "Jess, all that staring, it's kind of creepy," Nick says, his eyes still closed with a smile on his face.

I laugh at him and jump up, making him open his eyes. "Fine, I'll just leave then," I tell him, trying to stay cool.

Before I am past the bed, Nick grabs my stomach and pulls me down on the bed which makes me giggle. "Hey, play fair," I tell him as he tickles my side.

Nick stops and smiles at me. "I've missed you," he says.

"What are we doing here, Miller?" I blurt before I can fully think about my words.

Nick looks at me and cups my face—I am taken aback by how confident he is. "I meant what I said Jess, you're my first choice, and if you want to make this work t-then I'm in," he says airily.

I smile at him and tears fill my eyes. "I am in," I promise him. For the first time in years, Nick kisses me again and it feels like I'm home.

"What are we going to tell them?" Jess wonders aloud.

"I say we let them figure it out," Nick jokes as he kisses me again.


End file.
